Happy Towel Day everyone. This is the last of my posts on emergency procedures that were conjured up in an attempt to get my co-workers interested in reading the emergency manuals I was creating for them. I hope you enjoy. You can find the others my looking up the “Emergency” category. Thanks to the folks at Topless Robot for recognizing me for my awesome nerdiness. I am both deeply honored and ashamed.
Appendix S: Skrull Invasion:
The Skrulls are a breed of green-skinned humanoids from the Andromeda Galaxy. They are a fierce warrior race who carved for themselves the oldest surviving interstellar empire in the Universe’s history. Skrull science is generally at a higher level than the science of human civilization.
The Skrulls became aware of Earth when they discovered a space warp linking Earth and their “Throneworld”. They have also discovered the Earth possesses an equidistant link to Hala, the homeworld of their long-time enemies the Kree.
The Skrulls are a Reptilian-Humanoid race of equal height and weight to an average human, and with a similar basic humanoid shape. They have green reptilian skin, are generally hairless, and have pointed ears and “corrugated” chins.
Of particular note, Skrulls are shape-shifters, able to change their size, shape and colour at will. They therefore are adept at impersonation and camouflage, two of their main invasion modes of operation.
First signs include isolated attacks on oil platforms, power plants, or petty crime committed by persons for whom these actions would be entirely out of character. In addition, the appearance of previously unnoticed office furniture of unknown origin might be cause for alarm. It should be noted that Skrull revert to their natural form upon death, although randomly attacking office furniture is not likely to be an effective response.
Stage 1: Confirmation
Once staff is sufficiently suspicious of a Skrull Invasion, secrecy is of the utmost importance. Staff is advised to trust no one who has not been “confirmed” as human. Use the following tips:
How to Tell if Your Co-Worker is a Skrull
• Do they have an unusual fascination with Portland?
• Do they sometimes sport the appearance and mannerisms of 1930’s gangsters?
• Do they seems unnaturally fearful of Japanese monster movies?
• Do they seem to have lost any of their natural skills, abilities or creativity?
Stage 2: Fight Back
The Skrull do not appear to have any super powers or extra-human abilities. They appear to have average intelligence, speed, dexterity, and strength. In fact, they appear to be reasonably vulnerable to deceit. One might also appeal to vanity or greed to gain an advantage. While the average Skrull will fearlessly and loyally execute any duties, he will also try to find ways to better his own position. A Skrull will betray another Skrull if it is to his own advantage.
A Warning on Fighting Skrulls
Skrulls are able to use their shapeshifting abilities to form weapons with parts of their bodies. For instance, they can shape their arms into blades or clubs. This ability makes them dangerous hand-to-hand combatants.
As a reminder, despite their seemingly advanced technology, the Skrulls are not familiar with human customs or culture (particularly pop culture). One might reasonably decide to use subterfuge to convince a Skrull of the need to change into a form that is reasonably contained or controlled, say a Cow or a Conservative Talk Show Host.
“They have the ability to be anything they can think of, but they do not have the imagination to do anything other than copy the things around them.”