Skrull Invasion Emergency Procedures

Happy Towel Day everyone. This is the last of my posts on emergency procedures that were conjured up in an attempt to get my co-workers interested in reading the emergency manuals I was creating for them. I hope you enjoy. You can find the others my looking up the “Emergency” category. Thanks to the folks at Topless Robot for recognizing me for my awesome nerdiness. I am both deeply honored and ashamed.

Appendix S: Skrull Invasion:
The Skrulls are a breed of green-skinned humanoids from the Andromeda Galaxy. They are a fierce warrior race who carved for themselves the oldest surviving interstellar empire in the Universe’s history. Skrull science is generally at a higher level than the science of human civilization.
The Skrulls became aware of Earth when they discovered a space warp linking Earth and their “Throneworld”. They have also discovered the Earth possesses an equidistant link to Hala, the homeworld of their long-time enemies the Kree.

Potential Issues:
The Skrulls are a Reptilian-Humanoid race of equal height and weight to an average human, and with a similar basic humanoid shape. They have green reptilian skin, are generally hairless, and have pointed ears and “corrugated” chins.
Of particular note, Skrulls are shape-shifters, able to change their size, shape and colour at will. They therefore are adept at impersonation and camouflage, two of their main invasion modes of operation.

First Signs:
First signs include isolated attacks on oil platforms, power plants, or petty crime committed by persons for whom these actions would be entirely out of character. In addition, the appearance of previously unnoticed office furniture of unknown origin might be cause for alarm. It should be noted that Skrull revert to their natural form upon death, although randomly attacking office furniture is not likely to be an effective response.

Stage 1: Confirmation
Once staff is sufficiently suspicious of a Skrull Invasion, secrecy is of the utmost importance. Staff is advised to trust no one who has not been “confirmed” as human. Use the following tips:

How to Tell if Your Co-Worker is a Skrull
• Do they have an unusual fascination with Portland?
• Do they sometimes sport the appearance and mannerisms of 1930’s gangsters?
• Do they seems unnaturally fearful of Japanese monster movies?
• Do they seem to have lost any of their natural skills, abilities or creativity?

Stage 2: Fight Back
The Skrull do not appear to have any super powers or extra-human abilities. They appear to have average intelligence, speed, dexterity, and strength. In fact, they appear to be reasonably vulnerable to deceit. One might also appeal to vanity or greed to gain an advantage. While the average Skrull will fearlessly and loyally execute any duties, he will also try to find ways to better his own position. A Skrull will betray another Skrull if it is to his own advantage.

A Warning on Fighting Skrulls
Skrulls are able to use their shapeshifting abilities to form weapons with parts of their bodies. For instance, they can shape their arms into blades or clubs. This ability makes them dangerous hand-to-hand combatants.
As a reminder, despite their seemingly advanced technology, the Skrulls are not familiar with human customs or culture (particularly pop culture). One might reasonably decide to use subterfuge to convince a Skrull of the need to change into a form that is reasonably contained or controlled, say a Cow or a Conservative Talk Show Host.

“They have the ability to be anything they can think of, but they do not have the imagination to do anything other than copy the things around them.”

Further reading
Skrull History
Skrull Invasion Hypothesis
Skrull Weaknesses 
Skrull Lack of Imagination 

T-Virus Outbreak Emergency Procedures

Appendix T: T-Virus Outbreak

For the purposes of these procedures a T-Virus is defined as a contagious illness outbreak that results not only in effects similar to those normally found in zombies, but also includes mutation effects in 35 percent or more of the population infected  For lower level infectious disease outbreaks or those without mutation, refer to Illness Outbreak – local, small scale or Zombie Apocalypse.

This plan assumes a viral disease which is a blood contact contagion with a fatality rate of 100% of those infected. Unlike other contagions, the T-Virus is effective on both living and dead human hosts, complicating eradication efforts. In addition, unlike zombies, those infected with the T-Virus often display mutation, combined with increased speed, endurance and persistence in obtaining their goal – fuel in the form of human flesh.

Potential Issues:

With T-Virus in 35 percent of the population, businesses should expect up to 25 percent of their staff to be away from work in the peak period of infection. Some will be infected, and others will be fleeing populated areas or barricading themselves in their homes. There may also be school closures and other pandemic-related public health measures that effect the work force. These efforts will be compromised due to a lack of information from public sources, as it is likely that the true nature of the infection will be concealed. Furthermore, history has shown that national governments will resort to “sterilizing” the area of infection using nuclear weapons in as little as seven days.

First Signs:

The next T-Virus is expected to emerge outside of Canada (the majority of new pandemic strains emerge in Asia) and to arrive in Canada within a period of three weeks. It could arrive at any time of year. The first peak of illness could occur within two to four weeks after the virus arrives in Canada; the first peak in deaths can be expected approximately one week later. The pandemic will likely last 12 to 18 weeks, and may include up to three waves of illness during that period. Each wave of illness is expected to last between six and eight days barring any “sterilization” efforts as noted above.

Stage 1:  Aware and Alert

All staff are directed to remain aware and alert to emergent T-Virus scenarios communicated via the mass and/or social media.  In particular, bi-lingual staff with Mandarin and Cantonese skills are urged to monitor reports (particularly unofficial reports) of unusually violent suppression by Red Army units of small, localized citizen uprisings. In addition, all staff is urged to report any noticeable but unannounced emergency planning arising in the public sector, such as increased security around public facilities or unexplained appearances of military forces in suburban areas.

Once aware of an emergent T-Virus outbreak staff may have as little as three hours to react.  Senior staff should add T-Virus planning to their meeting schedules and discuss with all staff measures to be taken to reduce the risk of contracting or spreading the contagion.  Vaccination, TVP if available, is advised. Senior staff should be briefed on the contents of the “SOLAR kits” as outlined in Appendix Z (Zombie Apocalypse).

Stage 2:  Prepared and Poised

Stage 2 of the plan can be put into effect once the T-Virus has been identified in Vancouver.  As an international travel hub and port, Vancouver is a likely early transmission point for any outbreak.

Staff should retrieve and distribute contents of the Z-kits as detailed elsewhere in this document. Staff should assume a 25% absenteeism rate due to staff being out of position or victims of infection.  No allowance should be made for late-arriving staff, as they are a likely source of infection and security breach.

Facilities liaison and office management staff should institute increased security, as outlined in the Stockade of Last Absolute Resort (SOLAR) section of Appendix Z (Zombie Apocalypse).

Stage 3:  Infected but Intact

Facilities staff should distribute the items found in the SOLAR kit.  Distribution of these items should be based on staff training, prior experience with such items and a willingness to deploy them as required.  A quick inventory of staff health, supplies and fortification should be conducted by senior staff.

The General Director will determine when, if appropriate, to leave the stockade. It should be noted that sterilization efforts by national authorities have included quarantine of infected areas, and destruction of those areas after as few as seven days if the infection is not brought under control.

The SOLAR, while well-suited for defense, is not adequate as a shelter against sterilization efforts as have been previously deployed. With this in mind, a detailed set of  ”as built” plans of the below-grade portions of the building, including access points to the mid-twentieth century steam tunnels originally used to heat the older portion of the building, has been included in the SOLAR kit. In addition, a late twentieth century schematic of this steam tunnel system, which runs throughout the downtown core, has been included.

PLEASE NOTE: While the accuracy of the map of the building systems has been verified, the security of these sections of the building has not.  In addition, the accuracy of the downtown schematic is impossible to verify.  Extreme caution should be exercised if this option is chosen. Good luck and Godspeed.

Further reading:

Tyrant Virus: http://residentevil.wikia.com/Tyrant_virus

Umbrella Corp: http://projectumbrella.net/

Velociraptor Release Emergency Procedures

Taken from an actual company emergency plan I wrote at my last job. With help from some friends at work we spiced up the appendix to the company policy I was writing. See Also Zombie Apocalypse, Alien Invasion, Godzilla Attack

Appendix V: Velociraptor Release (Event V)
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bears a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.

Velociraptors are often found on tropical islands, and converted millionaire amusement parks, but are increasingly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest.

Potential Issues:
This appendix assumes a relatively small population of velociraptors locally, from one of two sources: escape from a cargo transport in the nearby Port of Vancouver, or; escape from Stanley Park (see news link below).

A third source, but unconfirmed, would be an accidental release from the private research and development section of Dinosaurs Unearthed, a Richmond-based company specializing in animatronic dinosaur exhibits. Rumors have circulated for years about a private collection kept by this privately owned firm, which refuses to comment.

Velociraptors hunt in packs and can accelerate 4 m/s/s, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories or on polished surfaces.

Velociraptors are known to communicate with their pack mates in a high pitched squeal or scream, not unlike that of their victims. These sounds of predator and their human prey will likely be the first signs of trouble.

Defense in Place:
Unlike T-Rex, velociraptor visual acuity is quite good and not dependent on movement, so freezing in place should not be used as an evasion tactic if one is in plain sight. At-risk staff should place as many solid doors between themselves and the velociraptors as possible, sit tight, and wait for an “all clear” signal from authorities.

If possible, the receptionist should shut down the elevator and pull the security gate across the elevator lobby for added protection.

All remaining staff should take refuge in the four corner offices of the third floor, the four solid door offices on the second floor, or in the music library adjacent to the call centre. All have protective doors that should provide adequate safety and security once locked and reinforced with office furniture.

Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door. Protective doors should be made of solid wood or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.

As a precaution, management should consider installing quality deadbolts to protective doors. Velociraptors, despite their formidable claws, have not demonstrated lock-picking skills to date.

Personal Defense and Escape:
Velociraptor hunting tactics include the use coordinated attack patterns. “You stare at him, and he just stares right back. That’s when the attack comes, not from the front, but from the side.” reports the late Robert Muldoon, considered an expert on this species.

With a velociraptor running speed of 10 to 25m/s compared to human running speed of 3 to 5 m/s, one is not likely to outrun their pursuer, even over short distances.

With a size of 3.6 meters and an average weight of 68 kilos, one may have a chance to escape through force. Oh, who are we kidding? You’ll be flesh confetti before you can scream “Damn you John Hammond!” Your life expectancy is approximately 1 minute, 10 seconds.

Note: What has herein been described as a velociraptor is actually a deinonychus, a distinction which will be irrelevant to anyone faced with one. For simplicity, we have referred to this creature by the name popularized in mainstream films.

Further Reading:
American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention

“Dinosaurs May Roam Stanley Park” Vancouver Sun, 2007

“The Velociraptor Rule”

“How long could you survive chained to a Bunk Bed with a Velociraptor?”

Godzilla Attack Emergency Procedures

Procedures in case of Godzilla attack were recently added to our workplace emergency procedures:

Godzilla Attack (Event G) Event G remains a highly unlikely scenario, given recent advances in deep-sea surveillance technology. However, due to our proximity to open water, staff and building insurance policies dictate that additional procedures be provided here.

Potential Issues: Although the size of the Event G threat itself will not allow it to enter the offices, we anticipate issues associated with Event G similar to those posed by an earthquake/tsunami scenario. Precautions have already been taken: windows in outer offices have been sealed, and in offices on the north side of the building, windows have been removed entirely. Additional building structures have been erected against these formerly weaker points, providing enforcement that will shield the offices from the widespread destruction that will inevitably accompany an Event G scenario.

Reports vary, but it is estimated that damage from Event G will be heaviest from sea level to a height of at least 80 meters. Overhead power lines will likely be the first targets as the Event G threat moves from the water into the city centre: authorities anticipate that telephones and electricity will be compromised early on in an Event G scenario. Cellular phones and 3G / 4G internet will be the most viable methods of communication at this point.

First Signs: Notification of Event G will most likely come first via informal sources. Following recent incidents (Event Z), the Communications Manager has been tasked with monitoring potential threats as a normal part of  Risk Management policies. First signs of Event G will likely include a loss of power, shaking buildings, loud, shrill noises, widespread random destruction and, of course, panic. Needless to say, staff should remain calm.

Two-Stage Approach: As an Event G threat is likely to emerge from water, any route out of the city centre may place escapees directly in the path of potential danger. Until the path of the Event G threat can be confirmed, retreat from the downtown peninsula is not recommended. Thus, the emergency procedure for an Event G scenario is comprised of two stages, as outlined below.

Stage 1: Stop, Cover and Hold

• Communcations Manager to monitor appropriate channels, and upon confirmation of Event G scenario, will alert Receptionist.
• Reception to notify staff via phone system with “Event G has been confirmed”.
• All staff to assume earthquake cover: retreat to outer ring offices, away from windows
• MgD to set up communication channels: wireless 3G, laptops.

• Stop, cover and hold until notified to move to Stage 2

Stage 2: Controlled Evacuation
Once the path of the Event G threat has been determined, the authorities will implement a controlled evacuation of the downtown core. Corridors of safe egress will be created and the public will be escorted out following a grid pattern.

• Receptionist to retrieve Earthquake Preparedness Kit
• All staff to exit building in a calm and orderly fashion, as per instructions of military personnel
• Staff that are unable to walk great distances will follow MgD to roof to await alternate evacuation

Staff are reminded to follow instructions of military personnel at all times for their own safety. Comfortable walking shoes and work gloves are highly recommended, as escape routes may include traversing rubble, downed electrical lines and other hazards.

Further Reading:

http://www.japanator.com/survive-the-next-godzilla-attack-with-your-hello-kitty-disaster-kit–8338.phtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godzilla

http://www.ehow.com/how_4922224_survive-godzilla-attacks.html

Alien Invasion Emergency Procedures

Workplace emergency procedures in case of alien invasion were recently introduced in my office:

Alien Invasion (Event I)

The chances of a full-scale Event I are slim but still possible. It may not be a question of “if” but rather “when.” There are substantial reports worldwide that a small-scale Event I have already taken place and that activities are still being conducted covertly. These claims have been further supported with videotaped evidence and such documentation has been popping up on all media channels with dire frequency.

Potential Issues:

This appendix will address only the steps staff should take in the event of a full-scale Event I, whereby our planetary security is threatened. It does not include any instructions on what to do in the event that humans are turned into automatons or of hostile organisms taking on the shape and semblance of a human.   In these cases refer to Appendix Z and/or pandemic and/or hostile intruder policies.

Motivations for an Event I to occur may include: destruction, survival, harvesting, enslavement, breeding and/or assimilation.

As major cities are terrorized and entire regions possibly wiped out, paranoia, mayhem and conflict will ensue, resulting in the rapid breakdown of civil society

First Signs:

Visible signs of Event I may include but are not limited to:

• Enormous disc-shaped objects appearing over cities of the world
• Shaking of buildings, rattling of windows and knocking down of poorly secured items on bookshelves and in cabinets. The air may vibrate.
• Possible de-activation of electronic devices and power outages

 

Four-Stage Approach:

As an Event I threat is likely to emerge from air, any route out of the city centre may place escapees directly in the path of potential danger. Until the scope of the Event I threat can be confirmed, retreat from the downtown peninsula is not recommended.

Thus, the emergency procedure for an Event I scenario is comprised of four stages, as outlined below.

. 

Stage 1:  Confirmation and Readiness

Notification of Event I will most likely be picked up first on radio, television and social media channels. The Communications Manager is tasked to confirm for possibility of hoax or rumour. 

If Event I is confirmed and taking place:

• Communications Manager will alert the Receptionist.
• Receptionist will notify all staff via phone system and call for staff to convene immediately in the boardroom.
• Attendance should be taken immediately to ensure that all staff is present

 

If Event I has begun before assembling in the boardroom is possible:

• Seek cover quickly! Event I will most likely be by surprise. Crawl under desks and solid furniture or hide behind concrete walls. Running outside or being out in the open are not recommended.
• Stay as calm as possible. Panicking will not help the situation and will definitely call attention to yourself.
• Above all – do not engage hostiles. Any attempt to negotiate a peace treaty will most likely be faced with extermination.

 

Stage 2:  Take Cover and Wait It Out

Once the first wave of attack has subsided, staff will quickly assemble in the boardroom, where attendance will be taken and casualties assessed. Remaining staff will then make their way to the library on the second floor to bunker down inside the Stockade of Last Absolute Resort. (SOLAR) Instructions on how to seal SOLAR is described in Appendix Z.

All military and armed forces will most likely be engaged in combat. Additionally, there will most likely be a breakdown of security and medical services. The likelihood of the appearance of any emergency personnel is slim to none, so self-sufficiency will be important.

Stage 3:  Evacuation

When the chaos outside has quieted, staff will then exit the SOLAR refuge. As hostiles will most likely concentrate on subduing large cities, it is imperative that staff make their way out to remote areas or areas of seclusion. Living off the land may be a real possibility.

Stage 4:  Prepare for Guerrilla Warfare

Upon leaving the SOLAR safe-room with supplies in tow, staff will open the adjacent storage room on the 2^nd floor and additionally outfit themselves with camouflage tents, camping and survival equipment, combat vests and body armour.

Staff should also access the SOLAR kit described in Appendix Z.  Please note that items in this kit should be used only by staff trained to use them.  Other staff should be assigned items from the Z Kit described in Appendix Z.

It is imperative to save staff members who are technically and mathematically knowledgeable at all cost. These key staff may be able to form an understanding of hostile’s weaponry and/or structural engineering. Understanding and harnessing this technology may allow for counter-attacks.

Unlike the disaster scenarios illustrated in Appendices Z & G, should Event I happen, the anticipated outcome will be catastrophe on a global scale. Although the possibility of being outmatched mentally and technologically is more than real, all efforts must be taken to ensure the survival of the species.

See Also: Zombie Apocalypse Procedures (Appendix Z)</a>

Further reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_invasion

 http://www.gamespot.com/users/Neo-ganon/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-25526733

 http://www.ehow.com/how_2049898_prepare-alien-invasion.html

Zombie Apocalypse Workplace Emergency Procedures

Zombie Apocalypse Workplace Emergency Procedures were recently added to our office manual:

Zombie Apocalypse (Event Z)
In case of Event Z there is likely to be a high degree of confusion and uncertainty due to uniqueness of the event. However, given recent events and the company’s location in an urban area, staff and insurance rules demand additional and modified procedures be provided as guidelines. To a great extent the procedures to follow are modifications of hostile intruder procedures and pandemic procedures noted elsewhere in this document.

Potential Issues:
Given the company’s location in the downtown core, the office building is likely to be within the immediate Event Z zone of activity. Precautions have already been taken: windows in outer offices have been sealed, and in offices on the north side of the building, windows have been removed entirely. Additional building structures have been erected against these formerly weaker points, but ground level access points are many (6) necessitating a retreat to higher and more secure ground on the third floor.

Reports vary, but it is estimated that initial panic will clog most exits out of the downtown, making evacuation inadvisable. These clogged exit ways, rather than being avenues of escape, are likely to be concentrated areas of “casualties” during Event Z.

This Appendix assumes a minimum of 72 hours isolation w/o outside support or direction by authorities, but does assume working utilities during that period. Procedures beyond 72 hours must be determined by CEO or senior staff based situational analysis and best practices.*

First Signs:
Notification of Event Z will most likely come first via informal sources. Following recent incidents, the Communications Manager has been tasked with monitoring potential threats as a normal part of the company’s Risk Management policies. First signs of Event Z will likely include rumour, confused and contradictory news reports, followed by sirens and, of course, panic.

Even with diligent monitoring, it is likely that little warning will be available, and it is with a warning window of less than 10 minutes that this Appendix is written.

Two-Stage Approach:
Assumes Event Z risk is not present in building and time allows for securing of building in ten (10) minutes or less without undue risk to staff.

Stage One: Stockade
“Stockade” procedures are as follows:
• Receptionist announces nature of threat and “Stockade” via phones
• Marketing Team uses emergency locks on stairwell fire doors, retreats to 3rd floor via Call Center, securing steel Call Center door.
• R&D Team retrieves “Z kit” from 3rd floor storage room
• Call Center Team locks library door and pull alarm marked SOLAR panels, closes barricade on 1st-2nd floor landing, posts guard
• Customer Services Team uses emergency locks on front doors, retreats to 3rd floor via front stairwell.
• Third floor Production Team retrieves cargo nets for skylights, using pre-installed hooks in ceiling.
• Third floor Engineering Team uses emergency locks on stairwell fire doors, closes barricade on 1st-2nd floor landing, post guard.

Once third floor stockade is secure:
• CDO takes roll call, assess resources.
• Dir. of IT confirm deployment of SOLAR panels, path of retreat
• Marketing Team monitor internet traffic, access security cameras.**
• Customer Services Team set up kitchen, draw water reserves.
• Finance Team to set up infirmary in Finance office
• Engineering Team to rotate front stairwell guard
• Call Center Team to rotate rear stairwell guard
• Production Team reinforce as possible for three ring defence:
• R&D Team distribute contents of “Z kit”

Once stockade secured and reinforced:
• Stay put, stay safe, stay alert
• Do not draw attention to yourself
• Conserve food, fuel, water
• Sleep in shifts behind locked, windowless office doors.

Stage Two: Retreat to Stockade of Last Absolute Resort (SOLAR)
The music library (an entirely interior room with reinforced walls) on the second floor will act as “stockade of last absolute resort” (SOLAR).

• Access is via floor panel hidden in the SW corner of the IT office.
o Peel back carpeting to find removable hatch, roll steel SOLAR panel out of way per directions printed on panel face. Read carefully as panel is sharp and spring-loaded.
• Use the large bookshelf directly below as a staircase. Avoid jumping.
• Once inside, pull orange release handle to close SOLAR panels. USE EXTREME CAUTION ; panel edge is sharpened and spring-loaded to sever any obstruction.
• Sliding reinforced steel door panel is similarly in place, blocking the normal entrance. If not, pull the SOLAR panel door release beside the door. Again, USE EXTREME CAUTION; door panel edge is sharpened and spring-loaded to sever any obstruction.
• In the center of the library floor, you will find a hatch that opens to the ground floor men’s room, a potential source of water, refuge, or escape assuming the (normally locked) ground floor men’s room door has not been breached.
• In the locked lateral filing cabinet marked “Bach Operas” you will find the “SOLAR Kit”. There are no keys to this lock, but a hatchet, pry bar or other means should quickly breach that. The cabinet is alarmed to our central alarm system in case of normal, unauthorized breach, but is of no consequence in this scenario.
• The “SOLAR Kit” should provide for a robust defence capability not found in the “Z Kit”. Together, these kits may provide adequate protection for a small determined group to either extend their siege or attempt an escape.

Abandonment, Escape, Retreat
Like the “Z Kit” the “SOLAR KIT” contains, in addition to weapons, contents to create a number of “go bags” which may be helpful if escape is required.

Do not leave the premises unless forced to, or unless superior safety is offered by a known, verified, secure location.

A likely first location of refuge is the nearby Canadian Forces Armoury, located four blocks from the offices. The situation may dictate otherwise, but as a general rule, such a fortified location with trained personnel may be a wise first stop in case of forced abandonment, escape or retreat.

See Also: Alien Invasion Procedures

Further Reading:

http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/zombiesurvivalguide/index2.html

http://ww2.zombieinitiative.org/

http://www.zombiesurvivalwiki.com/

http://www.irrationaldiversions.com/stories/zombie-attack-plan

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*Best Practices: “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks, Three Rivers Press, 2003. A first edition copy is included in the “Z kit” for your reference.

**Communications Manager has access to a number of public security cameras throughout the city which are noted on her workstation.